nicolenightmare(>.<)

{sidenote: the real nicolenightmare is here. thanks fer reading!}

Bitter Crush
Crying, tears colliding with blood
You tried to kill me
And you nearly did.
Each day of constant living
Was filled with bitter sadness.
Each moment of sadness brought on bitter tears.
With tears came blood.
You nearly killed me.
But I came back
And forgot my sadness.
I returned with a fully healthy body.
You tried to crush me,
Made me loathe myself,
But you will never succeed in killing me.
I await my bitter ending with pleasure.
I will embrace it, only to get away.
It is selfish and immoral to not endure life with pride
But I am selfish and immoral.
So if you wish to try again
And kill me with your charm,
I dare you to overcome my wall of selfishness
And crush me.

Suffocated Thoughts I Wish To Scream
Oh!
This damn bloody obsession.
I feel I cannot sleep without first breaking open my skin
And feeling the comforting pain
That I will fall asleep to.
It is nice to bleed after a long, hard day
And let the day’s stresses flow out of me.
But I am forever plagued by these voices!
“Is it worth it?”
“Why the pain?”
“Have you learned nothing?”
“It’s almost spring, the short-sleeve season!”
Damn it, damn it all.
Damn myself mostly,
And damn my horrible longing for blood,
My stupid addiction to pain and etcetera.
If only there was a way to feel pain
And not be on the brink of suicide.
Oh!
I simply loathe myself and my desire to cut
But that makes me want it even more
And the circle goes round!
GAH! Fucking life!

You Never Told Me You Had Fangs
You sink your teeth into me,
Feeding your own selfish needs,
Draining the life out of me with each second that passes.
You think it’s funny,
How I suffer beneath you,
Gasping for air,
Crying, bleeding, dying.
I was never strong
And you knew that,
Took advantage of it even.
The pain you inflicted stabbed at my heart every day,
Until it got to the point where I let the darkness take me away.
You never told me that you had fangs,
That you yearned for my blood,
And my bitter ending.
I would have ended it before it ever began.
I would have, but I didn’t.

Some Days
Some days I feel great.
And I know what I want,
What I live for, who I live for, why I’m still here.
Some days I feel good, happy even,
And those days are always productive.
Some days.

Some days, most days, I feel like shit.
I don’t know why I even get out of bed,
Why I keep living,
What the point is to go on.
Some days I feel sad, depressed even,
And those days are always the hardest.
Some days.

Some days, always, I am alone.
Invisible, unnoticed, blending into the background.
I feel as if I could disappear, float away to wherever I’m meant to be,
But not here and not there, anywhere but where I am.
Anywhere where I’m depressed and alone.
Some days I feel bad, suicidal even,
And those days are always my favorite.
Some days.

Black Hemorrhage
There is a balloon in my chest.
Yes, inside me.
Instead of the usual air and helium,
There is a depressing combination of loneliness and despair.
It makes me want to crush my lungs and cry.

The balloon moves.
Up.
It is in my throat.
Suffocating me!
Choke, choke, choke!
No air!

It keeps moving.
Up.
At the back of my mouth now,
I gag.
I hold my stomach,
I bend over and puke.
The loneliness and despair spills out of me.
Thick, black, sour-tasting.
It stops just as I feel I can take it no longer.

I return to full height still clenching my stomach.
But no—
What is on my face?
Trickling down beneath my ears,
I use my hand to feel…
It’s coming out my ears!
The blackness oozes out from both sides,
And I have to cry for what else could I do?
I cry like I’ve never cried before,
I wipe away my tears but—
But they are black too, it is now coming from my eyes,
Oh when, when will I be released from this pain?
I scream, only to puke again, back to where I started,
Only worse, worse, worse.
The balloon must have deflated by now?
Where is all this coming from?

My only regret is that I am too strong to die and too weak to live.

Undead Insects
The butterflies flutter from tree to dying tree.
The grasshoppers hop on every log.
Caterpillars cling to the leaves.
Ladybugs bleed through the fog.
A leaf changes color.
Dies.
Falls to the mossy earth.
Crumbles.
A praying mantis stalks over to inspect.
A bird enjoys a worm in the tree above.
The trees are as gray as the day.
The insects bring such color and life and happiness—
No wait—
Time—
Has—
Stopped.
The insects freeze.
Die.
Turn to dust.
Time stays still for a few hours…
Then continues?
The insects reform, whole again, alive again;
The trees come back to life.
Fog disappears.
Leaves return to their home in the trees.
Worms are no longer inside the bird.
The butterflies flutter from tree to dying tree.

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Rainy Days
I lay on my back with my face to the sky.
I close my eyes and try not to cry.
I try not to think of the emptiness I feel,
To convice myself that none of this is real.
The clear blue sky has one grey rain cloud,
Directly above me screaming out loud.
I feel the first raindrop and let my tears run free.
For once, the deathly silence is getting to me.
I run into the house, out of the rain,
Clutching my shoes, ignoring the pain.
I trudge up the stairs and into my room,
I chuck my shoes and lie down in the gloom.
Daydreaming now, my mind slips away
From the miserable light of this rainy day.

I lay on my back with my face to the sky.
I hear people screaming and running by.
I close my eyes and block out the sound,
Focusing on my veins tightly wound.
I feel the rain from head to toe,
And forget what I am supposed to know.
Time goes by and the screaming dies out.
I open my eyes to see what it's about.
I find myself alone in the rain,
A lump in my throat overwhelms me with pain.
I find a room and lock myself inside.
Everything and nothing, telling me to hide.
There is comfort in the rain I hear.
So far away, yet so near.
Daydreaming now, my mind slips away
From the miserable light of this rainy day.

I lay on my back with my face to the sky,
And count the seconds as time crawls by.
The silence is hurting my sensitive ears,
And my mind has a chance to whisper my fears.
The rain cloud above is just so gray,
I'd give almost anything to get away.
I close my eyes and yell really loud,
To get rid of the silence and kill the cloud.
In retaliation a raindrop falls,
I look down at the circle in horrow and awe.
I quickly get up and run inside,
Eager to go, but reluctant to hide.
I deicde to read and book and relax,
In the mood to learn some interesting facts.
I listen to the thick rain drop,
Then put my book away; it's time to stop.
Daydreaming now, my mind slips away
From the miserable light of this rainy day.

Silent Heartbeat
I close my eyes and let go of myself.
I focus only on my heartbeat.
I ignore the shouting coming from the other room.
I ignore the sound of cars rushing by outside.
I only hear my heartbeat.
I only hear my breathing.
The days are usually good,
Until about six o' clock.
Then the family gets home,
The silence is ruined,
And noises annoy me nonstop.
The nights are quiet and peaceful.
It's so still, it's like I'm alone.
Nobody speaks.
The only sound is the floor that creaks.
But, oh but!, from six to nine,
Nothing is fine, from six to nine.
The family noises agitate me.
And even dinner is sometimes too much.
The eleven to midnight hour I adore.
All is quiet and the long night ahead has just begun.
I look forward to the time alone.
A silent time, a happy time.
The feeling that no one is home.
But when I wake and the morning is here,
It soon turns to day, and day turns to dusk,
And the noises begin again.
So I close my eyes and let go of myself.
I focus only on my heartbeat.

For Never and Always
Never quite cracking the whip,
Always seeing the sea.
Never moving from place to place,
Always staying with me.
Never together alone,
Always alone together.
Never just now,
Always forever.
Never crying,
Always weeping.
Never dying,
Always leaving.
I love yourself
More than anyone else.

Go!
Twingle twangle,
Jingle jangle,
Go! go! go!
Spin cycle,
Re-cycle,
Go! go! go!
Falling fast,
Falling slow,
No! no! no!
Dying here,
While dying there,
Oh! oh! oh!
Turn around,
Smash the ground,
Go! go! go!

Oh Universe
Oh, to feel important in this unending universe!
To feel unfelt emotions,
And see unseen wonders.
To be amazed by such trivial things such as love.

So big! so huge! so intimidating!
The monstrosity makes me question what I can possibly add to this.
I, a simple-minded human with heart and head, love and lust, strengths and shortcomings.
And then I magnify, take a closer look, a second-glance,
I inspect.
Tis a map, this universe!
Tis winding roads with driving souls, I see!
All roads connected in some way, some how, somewhere.
Oh somewhere! many somewheres my driving soul on this winding road of a universe, my soul connects with others and influences their path, their final destination.

Oh universe! Oh despair!

It's Life Or Death
O blessed day!
To be young and free in this day and age,
To be able to do what I please.
Right now I could run away to any place I desire should I so desire it.
Could feel my skin caress another's skin,
Feel my lips touch another's,
Run till my heart beats through my ears,
Scream until my voice grows rough,
Throw my head back and wash my face in the sun,
Smile at myself in the mirror and know everything's alright even when it's not,
Drink the water from the fountain,
And feel it flow through my body,
Through my many veins.
I could look into my eyes and stare at them until I see my very soul,
Take one strand of my hair and compare it to the millions more on my head,
Admire the texture and odd material that makes up my nails,
Touch everything around me and marvel at how complex such a simple thing is,
That my fingers have nerves and sensors that talk to my brain,
That my eyes see only reflections of light,
That each heartbeat means something new.
O Life!

O blessed night!
When I look down at my paled body and see my graying fingernails,
Feel my cold, dead hands,
Squeeze my wrist with no jumping pulse,
Put my hand to my chest and not feel a thing,
Try to cry but the tear ducts are broken,
Try to walk but my brain isn't working now,
It died along with everything else,
Can't even feel what I touch now because these damn nerves don't connect to this dead brain.
Lungs no longer pump oxygen,
Breaths no longer come,
Nothing comes anymore,
Nothing but cold, dark, death,
Because that's what I am this time,
Dead.
O Death!

dayumm i only read a couple but gahhh. your really good.

Breathe

I breathe in and
Smell raspberries from the corner table.
I hear the hum of the computer and
the talk of television people in
the other room.
I exhale.
The carpet against my fragile cheek stings but
I do nothing to take away the pain I only
Breathe in and
Feel warm blood rush through me and hear
Classical music coming from somewhere above me.
I release.
A spot between my shoulder blades itches and
causes me distress but
I, at this moment, am too lethargic to twist
My arm around at that inhuman angle and
Scratch.
I inhale and
the carpet continues to sting my cheek.
A strand of hair falls into my view;
I slowly and carefully push it back into its rightful place and
Breathe out.
I turn my head so that my other cheek is against the carpet and
Close my eyes and
Take a few deep breaths before
Opening my eyes again. I
Breathe in.
It is a thousand years before I breathe out again and
Still I am never satisfied.

Back-To-School Depression
The walls of summer are closing in around me.
Sometimes it feels like it's too much to bear.
Back-to-school posters are all I see,
The stench of learning is in the air.
Trolling the school supply aisle, I like.
Putting the supplies into use, even more.
But before nine am? It just isn't right.
My mind is slow, and my eyes are sore.
All I want to do is read and play games.
All I want to do is stay up late.
Back-to-school stress will make me go insane,
But there's no postponing the inevitable date.
Sure, I'm one year closer to be done.
But for what? Only something worse.
It's not that bad, but never is it fun;
School is a bittersweet curse.

Running in the Dark
If only I could float away and leave my stomach
Behind.
I'd drift away into the clouds and let the wind take
Me
Away. Then I could fall fast and gently to where love
Is.
Awake I'd feel, but Asleep I'd be. Waiting for
Everything
To fall into place next to me.
I'll
Continue to drop but to a place called for-
Ever
Where everyone is happy, but that isn't what I
Want.

I was just wondering where you went and
Why.
Hearing the alarms, I
Can't
Focus on anything else. Where are
You?
In the darkness, or the blinding light? Have you asked for the
Help
of Death to
Take
You to our rendezvous? Hopefully he will take
Away the
Wonderful memories we shared together, but will leave the
Pain.

Ring Around the Apocalypse
Knee to forehead,
Fingers to ankle,
Eyelashes to cheek,

Skin falls off bone.

Ear to cell,
Butt to chair,
Feet to desk,

Bone melts like white butter.

Hand to lips,
Teeth to throat,
Chest to chest,

Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Untitled.
Words written on a paper pad.
Didn't know words could hurt this bad.
Thought I was past all the pain.
Didin't know I was going insane.

Lithera D'Mona
She's blinded by
The light of tomorrow,
Her vision blurred with
The darkness of yesterday.
Deafened by the
Consuming silence,
Acute to the
Screaming.
Perhaps if the sun
Wasn't so bright,
Or the air so moist,
She could offer a
Smile or two.
But it's always sunny
In Iceland,
Always white in the
Frozen graveyard.
If only the ring of the telephone
Could please instead of provoke.
If only demons could
Play nice instead of possess.
If only she were born a
Single-celled organism on
Planet Lithium.
She will have to settle for human
Unless fire consumes her host.

i LOVE these... i can soo relate

Bkack Hemmorage (sp?) was a'ight.
It's obvious that you've gotten better as you have gone on, the first few started to get to boring, all the badly written blood and pain, and what not. But actually, this isn't terrible... That's a compliment coming from me, by the way lulz.

Waiting For The Day After Tomorrow

When I met those turquoise eyes across the room,
I saw in that instant I was free from despair.
Those arms would comfort me, that voice would console,
And those lips would make me backflip in the air.
It took me a while to find this gentle love,
It took a trip to and through Hell.
But I stayed still strong and a voice from above,
Told me t'was time to come out of my shell.
I see good times, much better times, ahead of me now,
Too blinded by emotion to see any bad,
Though I know it is waiting for me somewhere. How
Am I supposed to feel suddenly sad?

goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood