Single Most Epic Twilight Bashing Known To Man

Stephenie Meyer graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelors Degree in English, receiving the best education you can get from a school which gives the Eucharist and the alcohol-free blood of Christ in the cafeteria (note the links at the bottom of the college's front page to The Church of Latter Day Saints and the Missionary Training Center). Looking at her writing abilities, apparently getting a Degree in English is about as hard as baptizing a dead person. Instead of teaching kids about compound sentences and verbs, she decided to write a book. Why write in first person? It's because the entire series is actually a wet dream that the author had. She wishes she could be Bella, and decided that she could profit from the wet dream. The idea for Twilight came in a wet dream she had about a sparkling vampire in a meadow blabbering on about how hesitant he is to love a mortal. Three months later, Twilight was written and on its way to super stardom.

“ I wrote the book for myself. „



—Stephenie talks about her self-insert dreams.



“ All I can guess is that when I write, I forget that it's is not real. „


—Stephenie, on her wet dreams.

After being hailed as the next J. K. Rowling by Time Magazine, Stephenie suffers from a severe case of unwarranted self-importance. Meyer goes so far as to actually brag about how easy it was for her to become an immediate success with all the little 12 year old girls and stupid fucks out there buying her shit. A side note: all of Meyer's photos try to hide how overweight she actually is. Maybe if she spent some time jazzercising and less time writing vampire fanfiction, her husband would actually touch her and she wouldn't have to dream about Edward fucking Bella all day long. Her husband probably just fucks the other two wives he's married to and Meyer is just there to make money.

It should also be noted that Meyer's taste in music is complete shit, as explained by the fact that she said Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance were inspirations for her as she wrote the series. (Here and here, respectively). This explains why so much of the books is spent with the characters angsting about trivial shit, and proves once and for all that if you read Twilight, you are an emo.

To further pour salt on the wounds of Twilight fangirls unable to accept the fact that their beloved series is the literary equivalent of a four-year-old's crayon scribblings, Stephen King came out in early 2009 and expressed his distaste for the series' author:


“ ...Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good. "[/b]


—Stephen King, telling it like it is



This lulzy and undeniably true quote came by way of an interview that King gave to the U.S. Weekend magazine in late January. The interview covered numerous topics, and eventually found its way to Harry Potter and Twilight. King admitted that while both series are fantasy novels aimed at prepubescent girls, the difference was that J.K. Rowling is actually a competent writer, whereas Stephanie Meyer is an untalented whore. The quote:


“ Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people. ... The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She’s not very good. „


—LOL




Naturally, being averse to all forms of logic, truth, and good taste, this statement enraged the armies of Twilight fans around the internet, creating all sorts of delicious drama and fangirl tears.

On March 6th, USA Weekend put up a poll on their site in response to the internet shitstorm that came about as a result of their interview with Stephen King to find out which author of the three (King, Rowling and Meyer) truly was the best. Here's the poll. As of now King is dominating the poles with over 60% of the vote, Rowling holds at least 20% leaving Stephenie Meyer, who supposedly was the newest thing and was leaving old authors like King in the dust, with only 7%. Some argue that this is because King is a halfway decent writer and Meyer is a blabbering dipshit.

The dullest, whiniest, and most weak-willed bitch of a main character you'll ever find. If the name didn't give it away already, she's nothing but a self-insertion for the author, Stephenie. The name "Bella" is actually Italian for "beautiful", so her name actually means "beautiful swan". Like oh-so-many protagonists for romance novels, she's the "average, ordinary, everyday girl" archetype, and constantly gets into life-endangering situations from which she cannot herself escape, thus becoming a damsel in distress. In an attempt to not make her absolutely perfect, the author gave her a fault of being really, ridiculously clumsy, which the Mary Sue article will tell you is not an actual fault. If you have any doubt about Bella being a Sue, just read this description of Bella from Meyer herself, which goes so far as to describe the shape of her mouth and once again testifying to her fail.

Edward Cullen Sparkly Faggot:

The vampire of Bella's affection, he is at least a hundred years old and is a vegetarian vampire and a good guy since he abstains from eating humans, but pet owners watch out! He could be eating your cat as you are reading this! There is no moment where he isn't in complete control of Bella. When it comes to her, he is unyielding and possessive and not hesitant to have a bite of anyone else who considers doing her, including Jacob Black. What fans of Twilight seemingly fail to realize is that such qualities (overbearing possessiveness, watching Bella while she sleeps and so on) are more often found in sex offenders than the perfect man. Such things can apparently be ignored/forgiven when love is supposedly involved. Edward can also read people's minds, a skill he frequently uses to cheat on game shows. However, he can't read Bella's mind, because she is special and unique like a pretty snowflake. However, it is revealed in Breaking Dawn that Edward can't read Bella's mind because, in all actuality, she has no brain waves and/or thoughts. Yeah, she's that kind of special.

Jacob A Native American werewolf teenager with a massive sex drive, and a self-proclaimed mechanic. Jacob is also an obsessive fanboy over Bella, and faps to her over 9,000 times a day. His lust for Bella conflicting with Edward's lust for Bella causes Twilight fans to have wars with each other, leading to mass internet bloodshed and emo tears. One half of the fanbase raves, complete with big fangirl tears, that Bella is going to marry Jacob, the other half believes Bella is going to marry Edward. But don't get this confused with all the other totally original vampire/werewolf romance novels.

Nessie Cullen is Bella and Edward's mutant hybrid spawn-of-Satan kid. It was nicknamed after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella's true love interest. Its full name is Renesmee Carlie Cullen and for entirely obvious and pertinent reasons that are relevant to the storyline, it has an extra chromosomal pair, making it a werewolf as well. Many lulz are had at this, as anyone with even the most rudimentary understanding of biology knows that an extra chromosomal pair results in Down's Syndrome, not werewolves. According to the author of this shit storm, vampire + human = werewolf (see The Munsters) because FUCK YOU SCIENCE.

Besides being really cute and having lots of pretty white teeth, Nessie also has the joy of growing super-fast; which is ironic since vampires aren't supposed to age, so it proves the author doesn't even know her own mythology. Its soon-to-be-husband Jacob Black only has to wait seven years to begin the banging.

Alice Cullen Alice Cullen is Edward's perky step-sister who has the nifty ability to predict the future, which, like Edward, allows her to cheat on game shows. She very much enjoys throwing parties like her long lost brother Corey Delaney. She is said to resemble Taylor Swift, Rachel Leigh Cook, and Amy Winehouse. Along with moving like a gazelle and routinely dancing across the cafeteria - literally - Alice is said to rival even the toughest of the tough. Fangirls like to think that she, along with her God-like step-brother Edward, can and will kill Chuck Norris. This is the biggest example of a lie in the history of mankind, even more untrue than the cake.

Jasper Hale Jasper is a HALE. Like Edward and Alice he has some sort of power but it's pretty crappy compared to the other two. He also has a very big penis and loves to sing some songs about the confederacy. As a southerner at heart, Jasper is known for participating in acts of incest with his brothers and sisters in his past lives, and, naturally, in this life.

Rosalie Hale Rosalie HALE is a spoiled slutty blonde whore whose family was apparently very well off during the Great Depression because her dad owned a bank. They were able to maintain their well being of course by stealing money from the bank accounts of their clients like a bunch of Jews. She only became a vampire after getting raped by her "soon to be" husband. Carlisle kidnapped her and after some pointless whining she became a vampire. Like every single fucking girl in the series, she's like, super jealous of the special and unique Bella.

Emmett Cullen

Emmett Cullen is often described in the book like a bear. He is in fact the son of a naturalist who, after accidentally giving himself a mild tranquilizer while attempting to knock out a bear, wound up having unprotected sex with said bear. If you can't do the math, this makes Emmett a half breed.


Carlisle Cullen Carlisle Cullen is a senile retard in town. When he first became a vampire he hid away in the London sewers and was a shut-in (mind you it was 300 years before TV was invented.) Meanwhile, nobody knew where the rapist Latin vampires went after they raped him. A dodgy doctor by day and a vegetarian vampire by night. Originally wanted to be a vet, but after all of the animals in his surgery died under mysterious circumstances, he decided he'd go into operating on people instead. This didn't work either, so he fled the country and joined the Peace Corps in Canada, where he got gang raped by some old, fugly vampires and became their slave for a few decades. It was after escaping, with the use of a rusty spoon and a dildo, that he met his soul mate, Esme.

Esme Cullen The wife of Carlisle and the "adoptive mother", Esme has no real role in the book, except for being a subservient bitch who bends over whenever big boi Carlisle wants. She generally strokes Bella's face and tells her "it's all going to be okay." She has no real skills and just plain sucks.

The Volturi

The Volturi are composed of three gay men and are highly regarded as vampire royalty despite the obvious fact that they do nothing but hump each other day in, day out and huff jenkem. They also enjoy hunting other vampires and have also been reported to be serial cannibals, even deadlier than Hannibal Lecter as well as that they think that humans, particularly babies, make tasty snacks. The Volturi are also known to frequent gay bars in their spare time and fantasize about raping other vampires such as Edward Cullen and Lestat de Lioncourt.

The books are cooking in the cesspool of the modern monster-drama genre, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and the Anita Blake series, where instead of being terrifying and ripping people in half, the monsters live among humans, go to high school, and shine like a thousand crystals under the sun, due to the fact that they are all soaked in their own jizz. More than half of each book is characters giving wry smiles, chuckling, hissing, glaring, and raising eyebrows during vapid and angsty conversation. The stories are written in the first person, from Bella Swan's point of view - but since she's an insipid airhead, it's easy for the reader to forget. If you dig a hole in middle-class suburbia and throw in a 16-year-old girl, a self-loathing emo vampire and a date-raping werewolf, you get the gist of the series. TL;DR: a hopeless romantic bitch obsesses over her vampire boyfriend who's been a virgin for a century.

The first book in this train wreck. Bella Swan moves to a redneck logging town in Washington called Forks, and meets a vampire named Edward Cullen. Somehow Edward finds Bella's incessant bitching and moaning attractive, so they fall in love. After pages of nauseating flirting and Edward's family somehow enjoying their secret vampire identities being in jeopardy, a plot finally falls from the sky; a group of hobo vampires show up and want to suck Bella dry. The leader, James, is especially attracted to Bella, and wants to eat her.

OH NOES! EDWARD LEAVES BELLA, because he wants to protect her from himself. Afterward, Bella becomes super emo and doesn't do anything for a while, which makes for a super exciting sequel. Jacob, a Native American who totally wants to be BFFs with Bella, fills in during Edward's absence, fulfilling Bella's need to be a complete attention whore at all times. Bella also has a dream where Jacob becomes a wolf - WHAT COULD THIS POSSIBLY MEAN?!

A love triangle ensues between Edward, Bella, and Jacob. The furfag Jacob is now purposely acting like a douche to all vampires because he's jealous of Edward. Bella's primary objective in life is to get sex from Edward, but he wants to wait until marriage. Jacob considers killing himself if Bella doesn't kiss him. Frenching ensues, and Bella, the cheap harlot, realizes that she loves both Edward and Jacob, because she is completely inept when it comes to making decisions for herself, and Stephenie apparently can't think up a better conflict which would make Bella seem less retarded. Edward also gets an erection as Furfag mind-rapes Bella in a tent.

Breaking Dawn

Bella gets married to Edward, has violent banana-bruising sex, has a rib-breaking pregnancy, gives birth to her daughter by C-section, becomes a vampire, and prepares for a battle to protect Nessie from the Evil Vampire Gang, a battle which anti-climatically never happens. This further exposes her inability to conceive even a single entertaining piece if work. Then, the book ends in a magical field of sugar-plum fairies, gumdrop rainbows, and orgasming unicorns with the line, "and then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever."

Also known as Twilight 2: Electric Boogaloo, this book will be the same old stupid shit from the first Twilight, only told from Edward's perspective, undeniable proof that Meyer is not only shameless, but also lazy; she gets to recycle all her old dialogue, change a few verbs and nouns and write approximately 2% of a new book. This book plus the following Twilight Guide book and the movie companion version of the book just prove that Stephenie is just milking these fangirls for all they're worth.


August 28, 2008: Midnight Sun leaks onto the interwebs. A butthurt Stephenie Meyer writes about how the leak saddens her on her website. The culprit of the breach isn't some l337 hacker, but in a true showcase of stupidity, Meyer herself. She's been throwing around unfinished drafts like they were confetti, even giving one to the guy who plays Edward in the shitty movie adaption of Twilight so he could "better understand his character." RPattz most likely leaked the manuscript in retaliation of being stuck playing a character he hates. Someone needs to call the WAAAAHMBULANCE! There is now a Publish Midnight Sun (PMS) Petition full of illiterate asspie fangirls bawwing and begging for Midnight Sun in caps lock.

“ With writing, the way you feel changes everything. If I tried to write Midnight Sun now, in my current frame of mind, James would probably win and all the Cullens would die... „


—Stephenie Meyer, finally having a good idea.

"I dont need your disgusting vampire history those arent the real vampires the real ones are like edward who want to help the world not just suck the blood out of it „

—Twitard on vampire lore


What's worse than a mythology raping novel written by a sexually frustrated mormon housewife? The answer: Its fans. Twilight fans are mind-numbingly fucking stupid and violent and yet so producing of lulz and drama that they deserve their own article. Twitards, formally known as Twihards, are weak of mind and therefore fall prey to Meyer's Jedi Mind Trick to defend her and her piece of shit at all costs. Since twitards are often prostatots and first time fantards, they bring fantardism to a whole new level.



Some argue that Twitards suffer from OCD (Obssessive Cullen Disorder), fangirls and fanboys alike, which sometimes leads to lulz of epic proportions.

Though there are normal, sane fans (though they're difficult to find, as they probably don't reside on the Internet), the batshit insane fantards are the most known and give the sane ones shit.

Twitards are stupid...extraordinarily stupid. The kind of stupid that feverishly believes that taking high angle shots and then running them through a desaturation filter is awesome, and it's even MORE awesome when it's put up on their MySpace page. The kind of stupid that watches crappy kid shows, wants to learn kung-fu because they watch ninja raping cartoons, can't wait for high school because of the musical, and hasn't had a real boyfriend yet. You know that girl who screams really loud during a firework display? That's a Twitard. The girl who laughs really loud in public just for the sake of being really loud in public? That's the Twitard. And don't think this kind of stupid is exclusive to prostatots, because it's not. These bitches are the most annoying people to talk to, because you literally feel like you are pulling teeth to have a mature debate with them about why Twilight is a piece of shit dead-end vampire romance. Half of those people are already published authors. They also happen to go fucking bonkers and attack anyone who disagrees about Twilight being the best book in the history of literature.


If you meet one, chances are that they want you to join their sex cult and take turns role playing as Bella and Edward. More surprisingly, not a single fangirl has attempted a drawing of Rule 34 for Twilight, even though the entire fanbase is sex starved. Some say it is because Meyer has converted the entire fanbase to Mormonism and it is against the religion to draw porn or anything fun at all.

The male Twilight fans are Jacob incarnate. That is to say: they're only interested in the series because a bunch of girls read it, and hopefully by feigning friendship to the fanbase, they too can find a Bella Swan of their own and be more than just friends. They probably aren't there to chat about Edward's Popsicle penis. Then again, it wouldn't really be surprising if they did.

Twilight somehow proved popular enough that a bunch of people made it into a film, which, to the disappointment of many, does not star or feature this guy as Edward. In this abomination of mankind, the retard (Rob Pattinson) who signed a contract (he is only retarded if he signed by his own will which he probably did) to play the snaggletooth, albino, anorexic, crackhead with Lyme Disease, wannabe emo, and pedophile who absolutely adores Pedobear's work, and wants to be just like him, Edward fucking Cullen, the book-famous attention man-whore. Fangirls all over the world are bitching and whining about how he isn't in the movie, but we all know that when it comes out they'll go see it anyway and have multiple orgasms when RPattz comes onto the screen, giving extreme lulz or eyeburning to the people who will see the videos of said orgasms on YouTube for weeks to come.

Fucking things up like always, the Americans had to get the cheapest surefire hunk on the market to wet the panties of its fanbase, particularly one who has already established his name with the tweeny market (starring in things with Daniel Radcliffe).

As he was killed off during the final scenes of The Goblet of Fire, Cedric Diggory aka RPattz was looking for anything he could get to tide him over until he got the cheque for the Dali movie. Poor guy didn't know what he was getting himself into until it was too late and he was signed up for three movies. Send him fan letters with ideas on how to get fired because try as he might it just hasn't happened yet. He might pass your tips on to Kristen Stewart aka Bella, who also wants out.

Utilizing the skills of Catherine Hardwicke, this movie is going to be the biggest piece of shit to hit the screens since the Love Guru, but due to its high numbers of fangirls it has already greenlighted a sequel. New Moon, where NOTHING HAPPENS, is going to be a movie too.

In a particularly lulzy development, both of the lead actors have come forward to admit the author and fans are essentially batshit: