A story i started writing tell me if you like it

This is a story i just started writing and i just wanna know some people's opinion's. thanks. ;p




I sat in the middle of the empty dance studio staring at myself in the mirrors barely recognizing the girl that stared back. I heard them calling my name. The sounds getting closer and closer but they were still too late. I looked down at my arm as the blood slowly dripped down it onto the polished wooden floors. I heard the door behind me open and then soft footsteps behind me. “ Amberleigh what have you done to yourself this time?” he said in a soft voice. He wrapped his warm hands around my cold arm to inspect the damage I had done. He sighed and kissed my arm right above where the beautiful red crimson leaked. I listened to him start to dial what I could only assume was an ambulance. My body started feeling numb and I laid my head on his shoulder. “ It’s okay dear the ambulance will be here soon you can rest.” he kissed my forehead and gently stroked my hair until I fell into sweet nothingness. I awoke to the most annoying noise I would ever hear in my life. That noise was the insistent beating of a heart monitor. I turned my head to see my boyfriend asleep in the most uncomfortable looking chairs I had ever seen. “You know you can be so selfish sometimes.” I turned to see my older sister Aarden looking at me with blood shot eyes. “Do you know what it would’ve done to him if anything happened to you?” I just stared in front of me for a few seconds then turned to her and said. “I should be with her. We made that promise awhile ago. I go she goes and vice versa why did he make me break that promise?” I stared into the same face I saw everyday in the mirror. My sisters shoulders slumped and she sighed. “ We all made that promise but you didn’t break it.” I stared into her face wondering what she meant. “ Ashlyn woke up yesterday. Right after you left. He came to tell you the good news and thank god he found you otherwise you wouldn’t be here right now.” I stared my mind racing. I stood to my feet not even thinking. The second my feet touched the cold linoleum floor my knees buckled and I started to fall. I was caught by him grabbing my elbow and holding me up. I looked into his hazel eyes and saw the worry my sister was talking about. He picked me up and started to carry me back to the bed. “You shouldn’t be walking yet your body still needs rest.” He laid me gently down onto the bed and started to walk back to the chair he had been sleeping in. I reached out and touched his arm. He stopped and looked at me. “ Please lay with me.” He looked at me for a second then nodded his head and laid down next to me. He wrapped his arms around my torso and I set my head on his chest and let the tears flow. “ I’m so sorry Ryan I shouldn’t have done that I was just so scared Ashlyn wasn’t gonna make it and I can’t live without my sisters ,” I sobbed into his chest. “ Shhhh it’s okay I understand I’m not mad I was just scared it’s okay I still love you .” He kissed the top of my head and I sobbed until I passed out from exhaustion. I woke up to laying in my hospital bed Ryan now gone. The doctor walked in and smiled at me with a creepy grin. “ Good morning miss Beckett, how are you today?” He asked the creepy ass grin still plastered to his face. “ When can I get out of this shithole?!” I exclaimed my temper suddenly flaring. “Well miss Beckett you still need to heal. What you did was very foolish.” That sent my temper flaring. “ Listen to me you annoying fuck face!!! I know what I did and I don’t need a goddamn lecture from the lame ass likes of you !” I yelled but before I could finish Ryan walked in with a bag in his hand. “Calm down hunn I’m here. I brought you something.” He laid the bag down and I opened it to see a glorious bag filled with fat filled French fries. I looked up at him and smiled. He smiled back and kissed my forehead. I took a couple out and popped them in my mouth chewing gratefully for the food. He turned to the dazed doctor and said “ She gets a little grumpy when she doesn’t eat.” I popped a few more in my mouth and spoke with my mouth full. “No I just don’t like him. I think he’s annoying and can go die in a ditch.” Ryan’s head dropped but I could see he was still smiling. “ Or it could be that.” He turned and smiled at me and I couldn’t help smile back. The doctor just looked at me and glared back still slowly stuffing my face with the French fries. “So you never answered my question. When can I leave?” He slowly flipped through my charts and I opened my mouth to curse him out again but Ryan was to smart for it. He grabbed a handful of fries and stuffed them in my mouth and looked at me with a simple smile on his face. “ Thanks babe.” I attempted to say through my full mouth. “Well I don’t see why you can’t leave today if you Mr. Ross watch her very carefully” He nodded and the doctor glanced at me and nodded. “Feel better miss Beckett.” I replied by flipping him the bird. He finally just gave up rolled his eyes and walked out. “You really didn’t like him did you?” Ryan asked me while picking a few fries out of the bag. I shook my head no and he stood to go sign me out while I changed into my clothes. I stepped out and he was patiently waiting for me. He reached for my hand and our fingers automatically intertwined. I set my head against his shoulder as we walked out to his car. He opened my door for me and I slid in feeling the cool leather against the back of my legs. We drove in silence until he pulled up to the most gorgeous hotel I had ever seen. My mouth dropped and I could see out of the corner of my eye him grinning from ear to ear. “Like it?” I turned too him not believing he had to ask.
“Yes but how can we afford to stay here I mean this must cost t least both you and Brendon’s salary.” he glared at me for a quick second but it then softened back into a smile. “Pete’s paying for it. He wants you to be comfortable while you recover.” He helped me up and I looked up at the ginormous hotel. “Well I don’t think I could get any more comfortable.” We stepped into the elevator and pressed the number for our floor. I listened to the dinging as the floors passed. The doors opened and I immediately felt Ice cold water hit my chest. The sudden cold caught e off guard and I gasped for air. My knees buckled and Ryan helped me sit down. Brendon rushed into the elevator and kneeled next to me. “Amberleigh I’m so sorry I didn’t know it was you in the elevator. I’m so sorry.” Ryan reached over and smacked him upside the head. “Ow shit I said sorry.” He rubbed the sore spot on his head and sat with me until my breathing regulated. I started to stand and Ryan helped me up and walked me to the room. He slid the key in and opened the door. My ankles were immediately attacked by the cutest little teacup beagle you had ever seen. “Hobo!” I squealed scooping up the puppy in my arms and snuggling him close to me. “Mommy missed you so much, yes she did yes she did.” I rubbed my nose against his little wet one as he persistently tried to lick me. “ I think he looks like Ryan.” Brendon said through a mouthful of something. Ryan and I shot brief glares at Brendon and then went back to what we were doing. I walked over to the couch and sat down next to Spencer who looked like he hadn’t slept in awhile. “ You know she’s a fighter. We knew she’d pull through.” He just nodded and stood up and walked into his bedroom and shut the door. Ryan sat down next to me and pulled me down making me lay with him. The tiny puppy curled up against my collarbone starting to fall asleep. I smiled as Ryan wrapped his arms around my waist. I started drifting off to sleep as Ryan started humming ‘Thunder’ by Boys Like Girls. I woke up underneath the covers in what I would assume was me and Ryan’s room. He slept peacefully next to me his arm gently draped over my waist keeping me from going anywhere without waking him up. Hobo lay peacefully between us his tiny paws twitching from the little dreams he was having. I smiled and started to go back to sleep until someone started pounding their fists against the door. Ryan’s eyes slowly opened and looked and me mentally kicking the person on the other side of the doors ass.

Advertisement

its a little rough on how u move to the next scene
but overall wonderful
very clever ^^

good

wow i wasn't actually expecting people to read it but thanks!!!
i really appreciate it!

It took me a while to realise who the boys were, haha.

This is very good. I really appreciate that it wasn't all 'zomg ryan was like soooo hot'. I can really see this turning into a very interesting story, and that's something I don't often say for stories including celebrities.

Now, on to the critique. Please don't be discouraged by this, but there are a few things wrong. The way you've paragraphed this is... well, you haven't paragraphed it. It's one big wall of text, which makes it a little hard to read. Proper paragraphing makes things so much easier on the eyes. Also, as an added bonus, it can make your story appear much longer! Some of your sentences are a bit awkward, too. Here's an example of how you should've laid the first part out.

"I sat in the middle of the empty dance studio, staring at myself in the mirrors, barely recognizing the girl that stared back. I heard them calling my name. The sounds were getting closer and closer but they were still too late. I looked down at my arm as the blood slowly dripped down onto the polished wooden floors. The door behind me opened and I heard footsteps.

"Amberleigh, what have you done to yourself this time?" said Ryan's soft voice. He wrapped his warm hands around my cold arm to inspect the damage I had done. He sighed and kissed my arm right above where the crimson blood leaked from."

Every time a new person speaks, you should make a new paragraph. This would be easier on a word processor where you could just indent, but the internet doesn't really take to indentations very well. Here's an example from one of my own stories:

“Why’s she been training so much, anyway?” asked Lukas.

“Ever since someone screwed up on that Animus guy, she’s been really stressed.”

“She shouldn’t be. She’s always bloody bragging about how great she is.”

“It’s bothered her though,” Lachlan said. They were now and the kitchen, and he grabbed two packets of premade soup that said to ‘just add water’.

“Yeah, I can see that.”

Another little thing that bugged me was your use of punctuation towards the end. Never ever ever use more than one exclamation mark at the end of a sentence. Don't do it! It's bad form. The same goes for using an exclamation mark and a question mark in the same sentence.

I know this critique seems really long, but I wouldn't have gone to so much effort if I didn't think you had potential. Your grammar is better than most of the teens on the internet, and I'm really looking forward to seeing what you write next!

thanks!